nonsuit

with no genuine issue of material facts
the correct answer,
as a matter of law,
is to stay together

with heavy limbs and eyelids
stumbling, fumbling, mumbling
blind return, always
find and yearn, always
love is a choice

old people call it a directed verdict
and even older people call it a nonsuit
and I call it the way I know
that nothing is bigger than this

In Defense of Lindsay Lohan

sometimes we all mutate
gyrate
seal our own fate
face homegrown hate
and emotionally masturbate
the world into something easier to understand
that fits in your hand and keeps plans and
knows dates and times
something that isn’t so blind
something that knows we’re not fine
and forgives the crime of being
too self-centered to know any better
and too distracted by the world that lives sick in our heavy throats to fix it

Overhaul

My old theme and tagline were too demanding. Every time I tried to make a post, I’d worry about my branding. About those sharp black bold words and the cute pink dots. I’d worry that my insides were nowhere near as cute as those pink dots and that, in fact, nothing I had to say was anything anyone would want to read anyhow. The words of the last literary agent I spoke with rang in my ears: “This was important for you to write, but no one else needs or even wants to read this. You can do so much better.”

Seriously, I’m going to query this woman again someday. Pray for me.

So, I’d try to do “better” by sterilizing myself out of my narrative and, predictably, wrote a bunch of stiff lifeless shit. Then I swung back in the other direction and wrote a bunch of livejournal-style entries so excruciatingly personal that I didn’t even bother with my usual anxiety-ridden posting-and-removing-immediately ritual. I’d feel so panicked about what the HUGE number of new people in my life would think about me that I forgot the golden rule:

Winning is not giving a fuck unless you want to.

I’ve been giving an awful lot of fucks about the lack of creative work in my life lately. I’ve also been giving a fair few fucks about how I’ve been too paralyzed to post anything here out of fear that all the new professional relationships I’m forging will dissolve when everyone finds out what a strange bird I am, but I’m starting to remember that I don’t want the people who don’t like strange birds anyhow. So, I’m going to start posting poetry and prose which, um, is mostly what I used to write all the time anyway. Why I thought I’d suddenly have funny, insightful opinion pieces is beyond me. I think it was that stupid “thinks she has something to say” tagline, which I chose because of the sharp black letters and the pink bubbles and the clean lines and real-name domain. I fixed the cosmetics. I’m still attaching my real name to it, though. It’s the only username I can think of anymore.

Someday I’m going to write a “personal essay” here (not an funny, insightful opinion piece; some navel-gazing shit. That’s what I do, okay? I’m owning it.) about why I use my real name almost everywhere on the internet. I’m probably going to try NOT to write about political issues or my zany life (which were my initial platforms) outside of some potential confessionalist prose shit. I might still post a recipe once in awhile, though. I trust that not enough people were reading to care, anyhow, so… yeah. Solid. Good talk. Here’s a poem that I wrote like five years ago to ease me back into this. It’s been a long time since I wrote poetry and much longer since I’ve shared it, but I do remember what it feels like, and I know I used to like the feel of this:

shipwreck

She climbed up
the hard
floor. Onyx

oscillating
through gyres
slowly churning.

Another anomaly
abomination
defective & decadent.

What capsized,
jumbled, scrambled,
short of

shore, hard
of heart
melancholy & gargantuan?

RECIPE TIME: Three-fer Dehydrated Coconut Dulces

I was going to do a week three recap of Law School, but I’m reserving judgement until after one full month has passed. One of the people in my class posted this graphic from tumblr that basically sums up my thoughts right now, anyhow:

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So, recipe time. This could have been paleo or vegan, I guess, if I’d found a way around sweetened condensed milk. I’m sure that xylitol caramel and greek yogurt or something could have done the trick… but Bill had the brilliant idea to try and replicate these coconut candies he gets from El Salvador and I didn’t think twice about what they most tasted like. 

I apologize for the photo quality. Most are stills taken from a video Bill made me promise never to share. Additionally, many steps do not have photos. I’ll be more diligent next time!

One coconut makes one Chinese takeout soup container full of candies. (Like those measurements? Yeah, you do.) In addition, at the end of this recipe you’ll have the candies AND sticky coconut caramel AND sweet coconut milk-liquid that tastes AMAZING over your favorite hot cereal. You’ll need:

-1 (or more, if you’re very patient/hungry) coconut

-1 can of sweetened condensed milk (per coconut)

-A machete, hammer, both, or some other coconut-cracking device

-A good knife

-A food dehydrator

-A sense of humor

Prep Time: Depending on how quick you can skin a coconut, a few hours and then at least one overnight soak

Dehydrator Time: At least 24 hours

Step One:

Cut the top of the coconut and drain the water.

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(Pro-tip: Should you have a bellyache, add lime to the water and drink it all up. It’ll make you feel better.)

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Step Two:

Once drained, crack the coconut WIDE open. We used a hammer on our concrete steps for this part. Your mileage may vary.

Step Three:

Set about removing the white coconut flesh from the hard outer shell AND the thin dark one. If this taking FUCKING FOREVER, you know you’re doing it right. You’ll want to keep the pieces as big as possible because it makes for nicer candies. Our method involved prying the flesh away with a sharp knife and then using a potato peeler on the remaining rind bits. Please share in the comments if you know a better way!

Step four:

Slice the coconut into ribbon-like strips. You don’t want them to be TOO thin, but they should probably be about as thick as the rim of a mason jar or… I don’t know, a good piece of cardboard… 1/4 centimeter? Sounds about right. Ribbon-like but not paper thin. They dry best this way.

Step Five: 

Put the coconut strips in a bowl. We let them stay in the bowl (covered with a cutting board) overnight because I’d forgotten to buy sweetened condensed milk and I think this served the purpose of making them dryer (and thereby more absorbent), but I’m sure you could just proceed to the next step.

Step Six:

Dump a can of sweetened condensed milk ALL OVER that coconut. Yeeeeeeah, buddy. Don’t eat it with a spoon. I know you want to, but try to resist. If you can’t hold off, I’m told the recipe does not suffer from munching on a few coated raw coconut bits. Mix everything well so that it’s coated evenly. Cover it, put it back in the fridge, and leave it overnight. We left it for two nights, but I think one would do the trick.

Step Seven:

If you have fruit roll trays for your dehydrator, now is a great time to use them. Parchment paper might also work, idk. If you’re going to try to do this in an oven, a cookie sheet lined with parchment paper is a good call. Grab the coconut out of the bowl by the handful. Squeeze out SOME excess liquid, but don’t worry too much about it, since having extra milk on the trays means extra sticky caramel for you later. Spread the coconut over the tray so that everything lays flat and nothing overlaps. For one coconut, we used two circular dehydrator trays. Reserve the excess coconut-infused liquid and serve over hot cereal. (Theeeeere’s dulce numero uno!)

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Step Eight:

Turn the dehydrator on! We set it to 135 degrees and left it for 24 hours. I suppose an oven at the lowest setting would have the same effect. Check periodically to see how they’re coming along. Taste tests are encouraged.

Step Nine:

Once they’re turning golden, pluck those babies off the sheets and put them in a refrigerator-friendly container with a cover. (Dulce numero dos: the intended product!) 

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Ours probably could have waited more than 24-hours. I maintain that two days would have been better… but it WAS really hard to wait that long and they WERE delicious after one day.

Step Ten:

Scrape the AMAAAAAAAZING sticky coconut-infused dehydrated sweetened condensed milk from the trays. I ate it with a spoon and regretted not making more, but I’m sure you could shape it into pretty little candies if you had better self control. (DULCE NUMERO TRES! FTW!)

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So, there you have it, kids! Food adventure of the week. Hope you enjoy as much as we do… especially because this recipe is a contender for our Christmas baskets, provided we can find a better way to skin a coconut… and a way to resist eating them all before they’re really done. Hrm.